I am notorious for staying up late. I’m a night owl. I’d prefer to go to bed after midnight and sleep until 9 (or maybe 10). I say “notorious” though being a night owl is not a flaw, regardless of many productivity lines of thought. Some people are naturally wired to come alive in the evening. However, my schedule makes being a night owl impractical and has for a while.
Every morning, my phone vibrates and plays a quiet song at 5:45. 5:45 is not a great time to get up in the morning if you didn’t go to bed until midnight. 5:45 is ridiculously early unless you can go to bed early. As I’ve gotten older, I’ve learned the value of sleep and I’ve made consistent headway at going to bed earlier, though sometimes it is one step forward, two steps back situation. Sufficient really sleep helps my life. It’s one way I take care of my body.
Don’t hear me say that going to bed late is a bad habit in general. For me, it is a bad habit because my life demands mornings. Not only does it demand mornings, I know from experience that time alone before everyone else is up is critical to my spiritual and mental health. It has taken a long time to change my bedtime on a consistent basis.
When we talk about habits or practices of faith, we typically talk about practices we need to add, but, at some point, we have to think about practices we need to subtract. What do we do with our bad habits?
In my twenties, I still thought I could just *stop* doing things. I quickly found that it’s much harder than I thought and much slower than I hoped. Changing a habit is like hiking through chest-deep mud while you hold your backpack with all your food balanced on your head.
My initial thought is still that I will simply stop. I’ll quit. But what I’ve found so far is that I have to exchange, not remove. Instead of that, I’ll do this. This new activity occupies me while my brain and body are searching for those familiar pathways.
We’ve all seen this with nicotine patches or with chewing gum instead of smoking, right? A void in our lives is never an answer because a void demands filling. So instead of pulling weeds in your garden and leaving space for more weeds to grow, pull the weeds and plant something. There will still be weeds, but there will be fewer of them because what you planted will take up the weeds’ space.
In last Thursday’s email, I reflected a little on how we talk about our kids. Pause and think about conversations you’ve had recently with parents. Or stop and survey what you say about your own kids. Now, if you decide that you don’t like how you talk about your kids, how are you going to change that? For me, the simplest beginning has been to let the negative words be a reminder of what I do want to say. I will memorize a phrase to say immediately after I hear myself say “You kids are driving me nuts.” I will actually have one set phrase that I will train myself to use. Maybe it’s, “I’m sorry. Mom needs to calm down right now.” Or “That behavior is not acceptable, not because it makes me crazy, but because it’s disrespectful.” I need this step because most of the time at first I can’t catch myself before I say it; I can only recognize it and pivot.
Paul taught this same idea of exchange in Ephesians. This would be a great place to pause and read the whole book or at least chapter 4. Paul reminds the believers to “take off your former way of life,” “be renewed in the spirit of your minds,” and to “put on the new self.” He elaborates as he moves through the chapter.
Put away lying; speak truth instead.
Don’t steal. Work in order to be generous instead.
Don’t speak foul language, but what builds up instead.
Let all bitterness be removed and be filled with compassion instead.
It’s not, “stop doing that,” but “stop that and do this instead.” We often want to skip that last step.
The last step is the essential one. It’s easier to train yourself to do something instead than to teach yourself to not do something. Adding is easier, that’s why we don’t always think of practices to subtract. But there are things I need to subtract. Ignoring them does not lead me to a place of maturity.
I don’t know what you would like to subtract from your life. It could be any variety of things. As you pull the weeds, plant something in its place. What’s the corresponding virtue? What would reshape you in that area of life toward the image of Christ instead of away from it?
It’s slow work. Usually at the beginning, you only catch yourself after you do whatever it is that you don’t want to do. That can be discouraging. But keep going, keep confessing. Keep apologizing if necessary. Keep practicing the new thing. If you keep going, you’ll start to catch it earlier and earlier and earlier. This is long-haul obedience. We need to quit expecting this to be quick work in ourselves or others.
Don’t create vacuums. Cultivate gardens instead.
Love this concept of exchanging bad habits/thought patterns rather than just trying to remove it.
Love it! Thank you!