15 years of marriage

and a significant change that happened on the way

Tonight, Justin and I have a reservation at the fancy Italian restaurant around the corner from our house. The restaurant is well-known in town; our realtor mentioned it was his favorite place the first time he showed us the house. We’re going out tonight for our fifteenth anniversary, which is actually Thursday, but tonight is when we could get a babysitter. We’ll save our bottle of champagne for Thursday. 

These fifteen years have been a gift. I look back at the beginning years and see so much fumbling and well-intentioned ignorance and it makes me grateful to be where we are. Marriage is not a spacious place for everyone, and I want to recognize what we have for the gift that it is. 

The biggest shift we’ve experienced started years ago, probably seven years in, where we realized it wasn’t working to treat our marriage like a hierarchy and we started trying something different. We started aiming at a partnership. 

I’m a visual learner and a mental picture helps me think better about life. A “pilgrim’s progress” look at life is the visual I have for marriage. We are on a journey together in the wild. Marriage is going somewhere; it’s aimed at something. Marriage is no the occasional date night, as nice as those are. 

Before, Justin was the leader. He went in front and forged the trail. If we came to a crossroads, I might venture an opinion but it was on Justin to decide. There was just one problem. He didn’t have a guidebook that I was missing. He hadn’t been on the trail before. He wasn’t trained in navigating life. He did not have an internal compass that I lacked. 

He carried a heavy load that was crushing to him. I was wasting away because I wasn’t doing any of the heavy lifting. If he was tired or sick or outside of his knowledge areas, it didn’t matter. If I had energy and insight and courage, it still drew negative glances from the people who watched us do life and quite a bit of internal guilt because of the way we had been taught.

Finally, we had enough. This seemed like a ridiculous drain on both of us. We started linking arms instead. Instead of a leader and a follower, we were partners who acted first for the good of the other. If we were wandering across a field, we could walk together, enjoy the sunset, gaze into each other eyes. If we were navigating a mountain, we could switch who was doing the hard work of finding footing and determining the path. If one of us was sick or tired or worn down, the other can go in front, forging the way and reaching back to lend a hand. The stronger one could take the rear, offering support where it’s needed. If we found a spot that needed careful footing, the one best prepared for the situation could take the lead. We could divide up the work according to gifting or season of life or even pure like and dislike instead of predetermined roles. 

We’ve made much healthier, safer progress this way. We both feel freer. He’s no longer crushed (except for the times when we both are) and I’m gaining strength as one should. It’s made the second half of marriage a different story from the first half. 

I’m always curious at the people who say that this is a fine model until there’s a disagreement. At that point the man does have to decide because he’s the leader. That seems like a strange take because men get no equipping for that; there really is no internal compass that women are lacking. Here’s my challenge instead. Each person fall all over themselves to give the other person their preference. Then, if you can’t agree on something big, fall on your faces and ask God to reveal His will. That’s a lot harder than deferring to one person on each decision but it makes a lot more sense when we say we believe that God’s Spirit indwells both people. 

Partnership works. The imago Dei in both people can be gloriously honored. It does mean that each partnership is going to look different, and probably each marriage will look radically different  at different times because life changes so much. This makes it much harder to sell marriage advice to the masses or draw conclusive statements about men and women. But it makes the space for both people to grow toward the fullness of Christ and grow to the fullness of themselves individually in Christ. I can’t recommend it enough.