I’ve had a mixed bag of church experiences, like most people I know. I’ve been loved well and I’ve been taught legalism. I’ve learned to do new things and I’ve been denied (many) things because I am a woman.1 I have learned to love the Bible and the gathering of believers and at the same time I was taught that most things were evil and the world was scary. It’s hard to write about church (and this is why I rarely do) because everyone has had different experiences and most people assume others will resonate with their experience of church, whether good or bad, instead of listening to the stories of others.
So this comes with a disclaimer. Church can be hard. Church can be toxic. When the pandemic started, everything was big and scary and at the same time I exhaled at the thought of not needing to go to church. There were, of course, overlapping situations involved in that. You may need to step back. You may need to try a house church. You may need to do anything that doesn’t remind them of what was before. I want to start here because this is not intended to shame you or make you question how God is leading. God cares about justice. God cares about your healing. God is patient and is not disappointed in you for not being able to shake off whatever might have happened. My story is not your story and it’s not intended to say what you should do.
Fuller Theological Seminary requires an apprenticeship for the Master of Divinity program.2 You have to prove you’re getting practical experience in ministry; it’s supposed to be a process of discernment and attention and maturity. I applied at the church we had started attending and got an internship.3 They offered me a part-time job about eight weeks later, and now, a year later, I’m the new Groups Director.4
I’ve wanted to work in local church ministry since I was a teenager. Twenty years later, I’ve found myself here, working in ministry in a local church. After years of frustration, years of pretending that I did not, in fact, want anything to do with ministry, brief dallying with the idea of leaving the faith entirely, and coming out on the other side making an investment in seminary, I see some fruit from what God has asked of me. I have a few friends that have walked parts of this with me, who have borne witness to what faithfulness to a call has cost me. Their faith has often sustained my own. My experiences leave me sympathetic when people leave the church.
Nevertheless, I still believe in the church. When I got back on Instagram, in my profile I wrote “advocate for the local church” for two reasons. One, I think we should, in whatever form possible, if at all possible, be part of a local church.5 Two, I think churches need to learn more faithful ways of being in the world. I want both of these things to happen. I’ve gone to seminary to help those things happen. I believe that these things can happen because of what I’ve experienced in the church over the past year and a half.
We started visiting the church we now attend (where I work as well) because they had a class/program for special needs.6 I’ll admit that I was snooty about it. The church was bigger than I was used to. It’s in an area of the town that is mostly affluent white people. Every time I started to complain in my heart about something, I felt God tell me to take a seat. So I did and slowly I saw different things. I saw a church that was making space for the vulnerable in the community. I saw a church attempting to partner well with other churches, including non-white churches. I saw a church that fought for integrity and maturity. When I stepped in as an intern, I was still deeply skeptical but it’s been a year now and I’ve watched people behind the scenes and I’ve been changed.
Will this church and these people let me down? Yes. Will they (we) make mistakes? Yes. Are there other ways to do things besides the ways we are doing them? Of course.7 But I believe that God calls a people. He calls individuals, yes, but to be part of a people. The church is what Jesus left behind and filled with His Spirit so that the kingdom of God could be lived in front of others, so that others would be drawn to who God is.
This is not the place where I am going to document the wrongs of the church, though that must be done. This is not where I’m rehearsing all the mistakes of believers throughout the centuries, though we should also know those things. Today, this is where I say I’m for the church and I’m for the church being a place of health and integrity. I can’t be for the church if it is not those things.
So for church people who are tired of people leaving the church, let’s investigate what we are offering. I know exactly why I was over church and people will tell us if we have the guts to ask. Let’s find out why people are where they are. Let’s love them as they go so they have somewhere to return. I am for the church because I finally found something different than what I found before. If people don’t find anything different, why should they be for the church? Maybe the problem is us.
Church people, let’s do our work. Let’s make spaces that aren’t about politics (though faith is inherently political). Let’s not worship leaders, but rather follow Jesus. Let’s learn about doctrine but also be formed as persons. Let’s make space for the vulnerable and the marginalized. Some people are called to be prophetic voices that leave and speak up. Some people are called to stay and make a difference there. I’ve been the first and now I have the opportunity to be the second. I find myself nothing but grateful.
This song resonated so deeply with me and I couldn’t figure out why until I realized it was about church.
I started in the program in spring of 2020 and will finish in June 2024. Justin already booked plane tickets for us to fly out to Pasadena for graduation.
I’m still so immensely grateful that they were willing to step outside their normal interns (college students and recent graduates) and let me in the program.
Still part-time, though more hours than I was working before, because I have to protect my seminary space.
Location can make this difficult. There may not be good options where you are. If not, I’m sorry. Having a family member with disabilities can make this difficult. So many things can make this difficult.
Yes, I know we don’t use the language of “special needs” anymore. When I talk about Micah I say that he is medically fragile, intellectually disabled, and autistic. They are shifting as well, but this is still common language that most people understand.
I think this is one of the hardest things about church- there’s no one right way. It depends on context and geography and leadership and the leading of the Spirit and we as people don’t really like all that ambiguity. We want a model that we can stamp on everything. Our indicators of if something is going well are often wrong.
The Spirit is truly one, Lisa! I also just wrote about the church (something I was also apprehensive to do because it can be such a sensitive topic for many!), and all week since then I’ve been reading so many articles fuelled by a yearning in going back to purely following Jesus over leading others. I just thank God that He is so beautiful and merciful, making change where necessary 🙏🏾
Thank you for writing this Lisa. As someone who has struggled with church as well, it's been incredibly difficult to be met with "You just need to find another church!" and not have people be curious and kind about why it hasn't felt like a safe place for us because of past experiences. Knowing that those in a godly church (like you) are challenging those "within the gate" to sit with those who have been cast outside of it gives me hope.