I parked at the Starbucks where I would be able to pull out without being blocked by the drive-through line. The parking lot was tiny, in constant motion. I got out and jogged in front of a waiting car toward the door. This was the second time I had been here that day. I started my workday meeting a younger woman—listening, asking questions, making a few observations—and I was ending my work day meeting an older woman. I would need to watch the time, which is hard to do without seeming impatient, in order to pick up my oldest child from school. But she also had kids to pick up and I had already told her when I would have to leave so I tried to let go of that discomfort. She had already bought her coffee so I ordered a pink drink (one should only have so much coffee a day, don’t you think?) and sat across from her at the table. She talked about her grown and growing kids, showed me pictures of her creative work. I mentioned how long we had attended our church, the neurodivergences of two of my children. Then I looked her in the eye and apologized for something that had occurred in a space that I am in charge of. Though many things were tangled up in the situation, sometimes people need to hear a genuine “I’m sorry.”
Words cascaded after that. Different threads of her story tangled together and tumbled out. I listened, asked a few questions, and then observed that most of our church was full of young families and what I hear over and over is that the women are all looking for older women. They are intimidated to approach the ones that are there. They don’t to be annoying. They don’t want to feel needy. They don’t want to inconvenience anyone. But they need them; they long for them to be involved in their lives.
But I’m also learning that the older women are intimidated too. They feel like they have nothing to offer, that the younger women won’t be able to relate to them. They feel awkward being the oldest and don’t want to seem that they are pretending to know it all. They don’t want to approach and start conversations, but then no one approaches them to start conversations all for the same reasons.1
We hosted a small conference for church leaders in our town on Thursday and before it started I stood with two coworkers who are in their early 20s and they took turns guessing my age. It’s been a fun game for them and I am genuinely unbothered by getting older.2 Getting acclimated on our staff has involved leaning into a “big sister” role. I am 10-15 years older than many of the staff and we are a developmental church that has students and interns and residents. When I transport myself back to my early twenties I remember how desperately I wanted someone a little older to see me, to pay attention, to loan me some of their time. That’s something I’m determined to do for the people around me. Even though it feels awkward. Even though I have so much to learn I might not know anything yet. Even though my schedule is full.3
Most of us are insecure. Whether we are old or young, we are unsure of our place. We are waiting for someone to approach us, to tell us we are wanted and necessary, to notice us and name our worth. This is me begging us to be willing to go first. Walk up to someone and ask how they are doing. Invite someone to lunch or coffee. Or to your house so their babies can play with your babies. Or invite a college-aged woman to come help you fold clothes at naptime. Open your home and don’t try to make it perfect beforehand. Learn to name what you know and then share it with others. Practice asking questions. Practice listening. Practice paying attention to what God is doing in someone else’s life.4
This really only works if our own identity is so grounded in Christ that we don’t need their response. We need to extend the invitation because God has invited us in, not because we will feel really cool if a bunch of people want to talk to us. We need to invite because we practice welcoming others and not because we’ll be crushed if someone says “no.” People will say “no” and that’s gotta be ok.
It takes a lifetime to get to the age that you are. And since it changes (constantly! every year!) sometimes we become disoriented by how old we are and how old other people are and what is being asked of us in this season. In my big sister season of life, I’m learning into caring, asking questions, paying attention. This really is a theme. No matter how old you are and how old everyone else is learning to pay attention to God, to the other person, and what God is doing in their lives is the work. Sometimes we need an outside perspective to connect the dots, to affirm some nudging we don’t have the courage to own yet. We don’t need to lecture or give people answers or know everything. But this big sister energy is only for younger adults, for people in their 20s and early 30s. For my kids and my kids’ friends and my friends’ kids, I’m a mother. And in the church as a whole, I am a mother voice. I have to be willing to age, to mature, to grow into what my people need. If I struggle to stay 29, I rob the people around me of what I could give them. If I stay insecure, I steal from myself and other people. If I wait for someone to come to me instead of being willing to go first, I am cheating us both.
Here’s to aging. Here’s to paying attention to our season of life and who is around us begging us to notice them. Occasionally someone will ask you outright. Most of the time they will not. We need to ask God for the confidence and the humility to walk in whatever stage of life we are in, to not make it about ourselves, to truly see the people around us. Because everyone wins when we do that.
Practical Steps
Spend some time praying for clarity over what season you are in. Ask God to show you what the people around you need from you and what you have to give.
Decide what time(s) you have to make space for people. You are busy and need to steward your time well. I learned this week that Microsoft 365 has a booking application and I’m going to start using it. Nothing is more frustrating than going back and forth on available times.
Put time limits around when you meet with people. We will meet four times over the next three months. Or we will meet for an hour every time we get together. Put end dates on how long you are meeting.
Ask for questions and topics beforehand. If you’re intentionally making time for people, intentionally use the time. What do they want to talk about? How can you be praying for them beforehand?
Let this look different based on your life. Maybe you have a woman over for snacks and coffee during your toddler’s nap time. Maybe you meet for breakfast before you go to work. Maybe you have one lunch a month that you can schedule with someone. Be creative.
Don’t feel like you have to tell people the answers. That’s probably not your job. You can share your own story. You can comment on some guidelines from Scripture. You can talk about how the Holy Spirit has moved in your own life. You can bring up connections you hear in their story. You can pray. You are not required to have answers.
I’d love to hear stories of how people have shown up in your life. Share them in the comments.
These same difficulties circulate in our men’s spaces as well.
I hope I always am.
I realize that I do more of this than some people because of my work and my job. But we can all make space for someone.
These three things really are the key.
I loved this, Lisa. I am sitting on a plane getting ready to head home after speaking at a retreat where I was the youngest person in attendance. I cannot tell you how insecure I felt when I realized I would be speaking over the course of three days to a group of women who were all older than me ... I joked how awkward it was to be the designated speaker when I clearly had the least wisdom in the room. But not one person made me feel dumb 💛 If anything, the older women in the room were *so* encouraging, telling me over and over again how much they appreciated what I shared. I’m much more comfortable in the “big sister” role than the little sister role, but I’m learning I have something to offer and gain in each of those positions.
“We need to extend the invitation because God has invited us in, not because we will feel really cool if a bunch of people want to talk to us. We need to invite because we need to practice welcoming others…” ❤️
Thank you so much for writing about this! I’m 27 and my husband and I recently moved away from a place we lived for 5 years while he was going to school. We struggled with building friendships in this place due to a combination of living there during the pandemic and people frequently moving away (college town). I also had this idea that my friends had to be my age. I couldn’t have been more wrong ☺️ In the last couple of years, I started leaning into friendships with women twice my age! I would say these friendships started because I had asked them for advice on different occasions - they were both music teachers like me. I realized that we had so much in common and I loved spending time with them. When I was finally able to let go of the notion that my friends have to be my own age, these women became some of my best friends. Advice asking started going both ways and I truly believe that our friendship meant just as much to them as it did to me.
As I’m settling into a new, more long-term community, I’m looking forward to the friendships I will build with women both older and younger than me!