Who am I anyway?

Be your own self

Two weeks ago, I confessed to a friend over Voxer that I am usually afraid people won’t like the things I make. There’s a muddle of reasons: I wasn’t popular growing up, though I had friends. Nothing I’ve done has really taken off, though it lands a decent response. Just last week, I clicked on a woman’s Substack post and saw how many likes and comments she had and just logged back off my computer.¹ I also don’t care to take the time to convince people to like me or my work.² Like it or don’t, it’s up to you.

I loved two books in particular in middle school. They sit in a prized spot on the living room bookcase today. One was Emily of New Moon, the first of a trilogy that tells the story of an out-of-place orphan who is taken in by two aunts and eventually becomes a writer to the horror of everyone in her life except an old teacher who was often drunk.³ The second was A Ring of Endless Light, the fourth in the series by Madeleine L’Engle that featured Vicky Austin, a writer in a family of scientific masterminds. The stories are different but it’s easy now to see the same themes. The protagonist was a girl and that girl was a writer who felt out of place.⁴

I still feel a deep connection with both of these books. Probably because they were so formative to me when I was younger and also because I’d still like to be a writer⁵ and can feel out of place. A colleague told me once that his daughter loved getting her nails done and was just super girly. I was relieved that I had sons because I’m neither girly nor could I tell you when I last had my nails done. I cannot count on both my hands the number of times a well-meaning person has stood up on a platform at church and described women⁶ and suddenly I felt like a different species. Just last week I helped throw a baby shower and I loved getting to care for this expectant mom. But I hate going to baby showers. The women I met were lovely. I could relate to the conversation about our kids.⁷ Nevertheless, baby showers—showers of any kind—are very low on the list of things I want to do. They make me feel itchy.

Clearly some of this middle school theme is still playing out. I’d love to pastor a church and while there are women who relate to that, most don’t. Matter of fact, that makes a lot of people uncomfortable. I am frequently more curious about the things the guys are discussing.⁸ I’m learning to play poker and I love to be outside and I love watching basketball and I’m wondering when our idea of a good woman got so small, so niche? How many of us are wandering around outside the niche area, asking what’s wrong with us?⁹

Don’t worry. I’ve grown into my skin a lot. There are many ways to be a good woman and I’m comfortable with the woman I am even though sometimes it still seems like  I don’t fit. Not fitting simply bothers me less now than it did when I was younger.¹⁰ I like the person I am becoming. I hope my comfort with myself gives other women (and men) permission to be comfortable with themselves.¹¹ 

All of these things have risen to the top lately because I’m starting a women’s Bible study at church. It’s a black hole that’s sucking in all these experiences. What if it won’t be popular? What if no one likes the thing I make? What if they can’t relate? What if it receives the equivalent of two likes and zero comments? What if it’s a failure? There’s definitely some added pressure because it’s for seminary as well and it’s supposed to be helping me evaluate my work in ministry. I’ve propped myself up a teeny bit. I gathered a leadership team because, honestly, we’re always better together and I get to hear their input and ideas. We’re working in seasons so we can evaluate (fairly quickly) what’s working and what’s not. I told someone that I was worried about no one liking it and saying it out loud helps it not fester in my heart.

Both Emily and Vicky grew to realize that their oddness was necessary. What they offered the world was different because they were different. The past ten years have been the slow work of me embracing that what I offer is different because I am different. And that difference is necessary. It is good. It is good that I show up in my body as a woman and as the woman that I am, even if I’m sometimes unexpected. Even if I don’t want to paint my nails or attend baby showers. Even if I’d rather sit around a campfire with a drink than do crafts. Even if I am called to pastor instead of be a pastor’s wife.

The older I get, the more I realize we are all oddballs and some of us are more comfortable claiming our oddballness than others. Personally, I want everyone to embrace their weird. Bring what you love to the table because someone else needs it. If you’ve been pretending to fit in, make a small space where you don’t do that. Let the people around you be wildly different. In our Bible study, I hope the space we’re making is broad enough for everyone to settle in together, no matter what kind of woman they are. Here, on this internet, I hope we can gather with all our differences to discuss a few ideas. And I hope that standing confidently in my own skin gives everyone else a little strength to do the same. 

1. I would bet money that she does this same thing with other people.

2. This has become evident in my job, which will be much easier if the group leaders like me.

3. This is probably not the recap you will find on the internet.

4. Do all writers feel out of place? Are we all writing in order to search for our place?

5. I think I can say “I am a writer.”

6. No matter how well-meaning, this is a ludicrous thing to attempt. Women are not monochromatic. One big generalization won’t do.

7. I do not understand how I can feel so strongly called to mothering my children and hate talking about parenting in shower settings. I also want to hear what lights a fire inside them and who they want to be when they are 80 and what delightful thing they did yesterday.

8. Unless it’s fantasy football and, in that case, please, Lord, help. I do not understand and find it annoying. Also, if you love fantasy football, carry on. Enjoy the heck out of that fantasy football.

9. The answer is nothing is wrong. We can be ourselves even if we make other people uncomfortable. My therapist told me that it wasn’t my job to make people comfortable so I’m passing that on to you.

10. I could write a whole lot more about what we are teaching women to be both in culture and in church and why fitting in isn’t our calling and should never be what we’re teaching but there’s not room for that here.

11. Even if that means you’re a girly woman and love going to baby showers and getting your nails done! There’s nothing wrong with that. I just don’t want to be told I should be that because I’m female.