You get extra sisters and brothers

the church as family

For over a month, I’ve been planning to write about loneliness and the family of God. I wanted to talk about the stats on loneliness and single people, how marriage does not automatically fulfill a person’s every relational need,¹ and how we are made to live in community and interdependence and yet our society is constantly pumping individualism and independence.

But I wasn’t going to stop there; that would be depressing. The answer is the family of God. The church is supposed to be people becoming family to one another.² Everyone finds a place; everyone belongs.³ We are united by the blood of Jesus instead of our physical blood or legal papers.

The more I tried to write, the more I wanted to research. The more I researched, the more I wanted to write. I quickly realized that this could turn into a massive project, all designed to convince you that you need other people, and that the church, by simply doing what the church is designed to do, could answer a deep-felt need in our culture. We have the answer to people’s screaming loneliness.

But because this is May and I have four school-aged children, the schedule has been crazy. I’ve also made it worse for myself. This past weekend, I finished painting the room of our youngest boys.⁴ We’ve been talking about it for two years,⁵ and, yes, it does feel great to have it finished.⁶ On top of that there are field days, last minute field trips, you know the drill. There is not time to research this post to the extent that I want. Instead, let’s do this. We’re not going on a long meandering walk through of all of Scripture, BibleProject style. We’re going to look at two ideas and then two potential actions.

First, Jesus rearranged our ideas of family.

When his mother and sisters and brothers showed up while he was teaching asking for him, he pronounced that the people who did his will were his mother and sisters and brothers (Matthew 12:46-50, Luke 8:19-21). That included those disciples listening to Him teach, but it also includes us today.

Second, the church is where everyone found a place and shared a mission.

• Women whose husbands were not believers (1 Peter 3:1-6)

• Widows who found themselves abandoned in a society where they could not sustain themselves alone (1 Timothy 5:3-16)

• Unmarried people whose singleness left them free to be concerned with the things of God (1 Corinthians 7:25-40)

• Men and women whose spouses were not believers (1 Corinthians 7:10-16)

• Slaves who probably served believing masters (Ephesians 6:5-9)

• Slaves whose masters were cruel (1 Pet 2:18-25)⁷

Many of these people did not find belonging in their families of origin, especially once they became believers. Many of these people did not find acceptance and shared value in their marriages. There was no concept of the nuclear family as we know it, living alone, tightening down to just themselves. We should nurture our marriages if we have them and our relationships with our own children or parents or siblings, but we also need much more than that. And other people need more than that from us.⁸

Expand your concept of family

What would it look like for everyone in our churches to find home and family with the families in our churches? Maybe married people could invite a single person to a standing monthly dinner with their family. Maybe single people could be the unrelated adult that gets involved in the lives of some teenagers. Maybe we could all lock arms with a family that doesn’t look like us. Maybe we have friends and we could make a formal commitment to be part of each other’s support system. Maybe we could get to know one neighbor. There are hundreds of ways you could do this; you will have to exercise discernment to know which one is best for you.

I see immediate obstacles to this as I’m sure you are doing right now. We are busy. We don’t know other people. Our homes aren’t ready for other people to enter. We may have to change some of our habits and routines. We might have to slow down. It’s hard to have someone over for dinner if you never eat dinner together.⁹ We must stop guarding our reputations and let people see our messy house, confusing existential crises, or that fight we just had. We will have to give up some things in order to do this. But we will also gain a lot.

In the family of God, we are supposed to be sisters and brothers. We inhabit the same family because of the life and sacrifice of Jesus. We should form places of belonging for each other.

Read this book

I had already bookmarked Households of Faith: Practicing Family in the Kingdom of God, but I also came across it in my research. I can access it to through Fuller’s library¹⁰ but would love to have it for my own library. You should read it if you are interested in teaching on this topic or reworking your own ideas of family.

When you look around your church, start envisioning the people there as your sisters or brothers or even mothers and fathers (1 Timothy 5:1). Where can you make space for a few of them in your life?

I’d love to hear stories of how you are doing this currently or how someone else has done this for you! Share a story, an experience from your church, or what you think a good first step is for you.

1. Or ever. Marriage does not ever do this. We all need all sorts of different relationships.

2. Along with other things, ok?

3. Yes, even that person you are thinking of who you would rather didn’t belong.

4. Many thanks to all who helped me.

5. It was more work than it sounds like. Previously someone had painted latex over oil on the doors and trim and the latex was all sliding off. I had to scrape all of that off and prime it before I could even think about painting.

6. Every time I go upstairs, I walk in and stare at it.

7. Please remember that the followers of Jesus in the time of the early church were marginalized people. They did not have the social collateral to end slavery. Instead, the goal was that Christian slave owners would realize the truth of Ephesians 6. God is the real master and He does not play favorites, regardless of how society does. Perhaps Philemon could show us the way?

8. I say “us” because I am married with children. If you are not, we need you. Write yourself into the story.

9. This is not a place for shame/guilt/etc at whatever situation your family is in. My oldest is intellectually disabled and autistic and regularly eats before everyone else and leaves the table pretty soon into everyone else gathering.

10. The absolutely dream of being an alumnus.